She's Gone
by 4-eyedDragon
Summary: The three times Severus Snape lost Lily Evans-Potter. Each time he lost her will be a different chapter. SPOILERS FOR DH! COMPLETE!
1. Mudblood

Author's Note:** Anything in this chapter that is in bold** can be found on pages 675 & 676 in the American hardback copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

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**Chapter One:** Mudblood

"I don't know why you're wasting your time"

15-year old Severus spun around and saw a girl-Mary, he thought her name was-standing just outside the portal

"What?"

"I don't know why you are wasting your time out here" Mary repeated "Lily won't come out to talk with you. She's livid"

"I don't blame her" Severus said "But I need to talk to her...I need to apologize"

"The most luck you'll have with her is a written apology, and I wouldn't be too sure that she wouldn't just toss it into the fire"

"Please, can you tell her to come out? If she won't come, then I-I'll sleep out here tonight, and catch her first thing in the morning when she leaves for breakfast. But I am not leaving until she talks to me...will you tell her that? Please?"

Mary looked at him for a moment, and shrugged "Fine. But I'd have my wand out if I were you. Lily might jinx you away.

Severus nodded, and Mary disappeared back inside the tower. The next few minutes were the longest and most agonizing of his life. Finally, the portrait swung open. Keeping Mary's warning in mind, Severus reached for his wand. **Lily, who was wearing a dressing gown,** came out and **stood with her arms folded**

"Well?" Lily asked "I'm here"

Severus had no lengthy speech prepared, nor did he think Lily would stay if he started one, so he got strait to the point **"I'm sorry"**

**"I'm not interested"**

**"I'm sorry!"**

**"Save your breath."**

Severus pleaded Lily with his eyes, determined to make her see he hadn't meant to call her...the word was so foul, and so unfitting for a witch like Lily that he couldn't even bring himself to _think_ it at this point

**"I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here"**

**"I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just-"**

**"Slipped out?" **Severus winced.** There was no pity in Lily's voice. "It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends"**

Severus opened his mouth to protests, but knew he couldn't truthfully do so, and looked away

**"You see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be. You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"**

**He** **opened his moth, but closed it without speaking**

**"I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine.**

**"No-listen, I didn't mean-"**

**"-to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?**

**He struggled on the verge of speech, but with a contemptuous look she turned and climbed back through the portrait hole.

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**

Severus lay awake in his four-poster bed in his dormitory. He couldn't sleep. He had already tried, but he kept waking up. He couldn't shake off the aching feeling in his heart. He couldn't forget what Lily had said, the look she had given him before returning to the common room...

Severus slowly and quietly slipped out of bed, and walked down to the common room. All that remained from the fires in the fireplaces were glowing coals. Severus sat down and stared at the coals, thinking over and over again _She hates me. It's all my fault. She hates me, and it is entirely my fault._

Severus blinked back tears. Knowing his luck, he'd start crying, and someone would come in, seeing him crying. The teasing would be endless, especially if they found out it was over Lily.

_I will never say that foul word again_ Severus vowed _That word lost me Lily, and I will never say it again._

Severus turned around as he heard footsteps behind him. It was Professor Slughorn, the Potions Master and Head of Slytherin House.

"It's late, Severus" the professor said

"Yes sir" Severus said "I-I was thinking."

"At this time of night?"

"I couldn't sleep"

"Ah" the professor said "The peace and quiet is ideal for thinking, I'll admit"

"Yes it is sir" Severus said

"I'll leave you to your thoughts, Severus" Professor Slughorn said "However, don't let your thoughts keep you up too late. I won't except a poor night's sleep as an excuse for falling asleep in my class tomorrow"

"Yes sir" Severus said

Professor Slughorn left, and Severus turned back to the fire. Over half the coals had cooled off and darkened. Severus stood up and headed back to his bed. If the coals went out, the common room would be pitch black, and he would never be able to find his way back to bed without risking severe injury to himself. That was the problem with dungeons...their were no windows to let moonlight in to light the way. He stood up to leave. It was then that Severus realized that Potions would be hell tomorrow. It was Double Potions with the Gryffindors...with Lily.

_What do you care?_ Severus thought _You'll be lucky to even get a glare from her tomorrow. She's gone, remember?_ That was the worst part of his mistake...Lily was gone.


	2. Marriage

**Chapter Two:** Marriage

(Severus' POV)

Lily looked beautiful. That was all I could think of as I watch Lily and James Potter stand in front of the church, about to say their wedding vows. Sirius Black stood next to James as his best man. There was no surprise there. If not Sirius Black, it would have been Remus Lupin or Peter Pettigrew.

"Ladies and Gentlemen" a tall wizard with thick brown hair, and sparkling blue eyes said, addressing the crowd "We are gathered here today to celebrate the union of two faithful souls"

_Why couldn't that be me up there, about to marry Lily? _I thought. I knew the answer _Because you were an idiot, and called her Mudblood._ Lily had eventually forgiven me, but things were never the same with us. She never called me her friend, she never talked to me more than was necessary, and two years later, she was dating James. Now, not even three years after graduation, they were about to be married. No doubt their house would soon be filled to the brim with their children. James and Lily's-not mine and Lily's. It was _James_ Lily would grow old with, not me. _Potter_ would be her married name-not Snape.

James and Lily entwined their fingers together

"Do you, James Adrian Potter take Lily Rose Evans to be your wife? To love and to cherish from this day forward? In sickness and in health? For richer or poorer? As long as you both shall live?"

"Until death do we part and after" James said, smiling at Lily. Lily smiled back. A blind person would have been able to tell that Lily loved him. Her love radiated off of her, though the entire church.

The wizard turned to Lily "Do you, Lily Rose Evans take James Adrian Potter to be your husband? To love and to cherish from this day forward? In sickness and in health? For richer or poorer? As long as you both shall live?"

"Until death do we part and after" Lily said

I glanced around the room. Albus and Minerva were up near the front of the church. Minerva was smiling, her eyes full of tears. Dumbledore had a big smile on his face as well.

"Then I declare you bonded for life."

The wizard waved his wand over the heads of Lily and James and a shower of silver stars fell upon them, spiraling around their fingers. A roar of applause broke out. Even I managed to have a little bit of genuine happiness for Lily, and I joined in.

"Ladies and Gentlemen!" called the wizard "If you would please stand up!"

Everyone did so, and this is where the wedding changed. Usually, the wizard leading the ceremony would make the seats the guests sat on disappear. But Lily had told me she had insisted on some muggle traditions in her wedding. James, who was determined to please Lily in every way he could, agreed without a second thought. Lily and James walked up the aisle to the doors. We would be taking the very short walk from the chapel to Lily and James' new home, with the newly weds leading the way. The wedding reception would take place at the house.

Lily and James reached me, and I saw Lily turn. She made eye contact with me briefly, and gave me a slight nod. I returned it, and watched her leave. I then waited, and once I was the only one left in the chapel, I left.

I didn't go far. I walked out of the church, then went to lean up against the wall of the chapel, and watched as the huge crowd of people from the wedding streamed into the house. I sighed sadly. Nothing would replace the hole in my heart that watching Lily and James get married had created.

"Aren't you going to attend the party, Severus?"

I jumped and spun around. Dumbledore was standing behind me.

"I'm not in much of a partying mood, Headmaster" I said

"I can understand you not being in much of a mood to celebrate, but you must at least congratulate Lily, and wish her a happy life."

"She won't want to talk to me" I said

"I think she'd be willing to hear you are happy for her" Dumbledore said

I glanced off at Lily and James' house. "I'll wish the married couple congratulations, have one drink, and then I'm returning to Hogwarts. I have a lot of work to do"

"Get a plate of food to take back to the castle, at the very least" Dumbledore said "Lily is a fantastic chef, and she and Molly Weasley cooked it all this morning. I'd be a waste to pass it up"

I nodded, only half listening, then walked down to the house.

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I had just finished my one and only glass of firewhiskey, when I felt someone touch my shoulder. I spun around and saw Lily standing there in her beautiful wedding dress.

"Hello Lily" I said, with a slight nod "Congratulations"

"Thank you" Lily said "I am glad you came, Severus. I didn't think you would. I know you and James didn't get along in school"

"You invited me" Severus said.

"I invited Petunia too, but she isn't here" Lily said.

I didn't know what to say to this, so I said nothing.

"Lily! There you are!"

Lily and I turned to see Sirius walking over to Lily.

"Your husband wants you" Sirius said, taking Lily by the arm "It's time for the newlywed's first dance."

"Sorry Severus, we'll talk later" Lily said as she was all but dragged away by Sirius.

A minute later, the room got quiet at the sound of a spoon hitting glass. I turned and saw James with a glass goblet raised in the air.

"Before my beautiful bride and I have our first dance, I'd like to make a toast to her. If you'll please raise your goblets"

Everyone in the room did so

"To my new wife, the beautiful Mrs. Lily Potter"

"To Mrs. Lily Potter!" the crowed cheered

"To Mrs. Lily Potter" I said quietly, raising my empty goblet a little.

The music started up, James took Lily in his arms, Sirius took both of their goblets from them, and their first dance began. That was my cue to leave.

_Once again, she's gone_ I thought as I walked away from the house _The chances of her coming back to me are possible, but they are not very probable

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**Author's Note: **The writing in bold can be found on pages 677-679 in the American hardback copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The inscription on the tombstone can be found on page 328

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**Review Reply**

**lira2308:** I am glad you like it so far.

**LittleMissGiggles'94': **I am glad you liked the first chapter.

**Kitty Bridgeta:** I am glad you liked it.

**Mistyrious One:** I am glad you've liked the first chapter of the story to be good...and all my other stories too! I would love to be able to respond to each of your reviews individually, but with you sending an unsigned review, I can't unless I get an email address or you sign in to fanfiction before sending a review.


	3. Mortuary

I hope you all like this! I am posting it because it is my 18th birthday, and I decided to give my readers something (btw...reveiws make great presents)  


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**Author's Note: **The writing in bold can be found on pages 677-679 in the American hardback copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The inscription on the tombstone can be found on page 328

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**Chapter Three:** Funeral

(Severus Snape's POV)

I turned away as they lowered her into the ground, I couldn't watch it. I couldn't watch the body of the only woman I had ever loved go underground. It made it real. If I saw her body lowered into the ground, I couldn't lie to myself anymore and say that she was still alive.

I ended up turning in the direction of four elderly people. They were Adrian and Elizabeth Potter, James' parents, and Nicholas and Rose Evans, Lily's parents. Where was Harry? Where was Lily's sister, Petunia?

I looked around in the crowd. Lily's sister had been jealous of her younger sister going to Hogwarts, but could she really let that jealousy keep her from attending her own sister's funeral and burial?

_She shouldn't have to be missing her sister's burial, you idiot! _I snapped at myself _Lily shouldn't be dead! She _wouldn't_ be dead if it wasn't for you!_

It was the cold hard truth. Lily was dead because she died to save Harry from the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord went after Harry because of the prophecy. I had told the Dark Lord the prophecy.

With the truth came a fresh wave of hot tears. I had killed the only woman I had ever loved. I didn't lay a hand on her, but I was the reason she was dead. None of this would have happened if I hadn't told the Dark Lord about the prophecy.

I saw every teacher, past and present, from Hogwarts at the burial. They were not here for the same reason I was. I was here for Lily. They were here for Lily _and James_.

I thought back a few months back, when I had asked Dumbledore to protect her. Not her, James, and Harry. Just her. Just Lily...

**"If she means so much to you" said Dumbledore, "surely Lord Voldermort will spare her? Could you not ask for mercy for the mother, in exchange for the son?"**

**"I have-I have asked him-"**

**"You disgust me" said Dumbledore**_**.**_ Severus looked at Dumbledore. He had never heard Dumbledore's voice hold any contempt, let alone the amount he heard in it now. The tone made him shrink a little **"You do not care, then, about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die as long as you have what you want?"**

_That makes me sound selfish _Severus thought _But the old man said exactly what I was thinking...I didn't care about James or her son. I only wanted her. _He looked up at the headmaster

**"Hide them all, then," he **had** croaked "Keep her-them-safe. Please"**

**"And what will you give in return, Severus?"**

**"In-in return?" **he **gaped at Dumbledore, but after a long moment said "Anything"**

"I'd give anything to have you back, Lily" Severus said, turning his face to the wind "I'd give anything"

Shortly after hearing the Dark Lord had fallen, Severus had gone to Dumbledore. He remembered that conversation well...

**"I thought...you were going...to keep her...safe..."**

**"She and James put their faith in the wrong person," said Dumbledore. "Rather like you, Severus. Weren't you hoping that Lord Voldermort would spare her?"**

Severus' **breathing was shallow.**

**"Her boy survives." said Dumbledore. "Her son lives. He has her eyes, precisely her eyes. You remember the shape and color of Lily Evans's eyes, I am sure?"**

**"DON'T!" bellowed **Severus **"Gone...dead..."**

**"Is this remorse, Severus?"**

**"I wish...I wish **_**I **_**were dead..."**

**"And what use would that be to anyone?" said Dumbledore coldly. "If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear."**

**"What-what do you mean?"**

**"You know how and why she died. Make sure it was not in vain. Help me protect Lily's son."**

**"He does not need protection. The Dark Lord has gone-"**

**"The Dark Lord will return, and Harry Potter will be in terrible danger when he does."**

**There was a long pause, and slowly **Severus **regained control of himself, mastered his own breathing. At last he said "Very well. Very well. But never-never tell, Dumbledore! This must be between us! Swear it! I cannot bear...especially Potter's son...I want your word!"**

**"My word, Severus, that I shall not reveal the best of you?"**

Dumbledore had agreed. He had given Severus his word that he would tell no one that Severus was going to help protect Potter's son. Severus hoped Dumbledore would keep his promise, and at the same time he knew he would. Dumbledore wouldn't go back on his word. He was an honorable man.

Severus turned back to the grave sites. The bodies had been lowered, and now the dirt was being placed back over the hole, magically. The mounds of dirt were perfectly rounded, just as the graves were perfectly dug. Everything was perfect. That was how it should be for Lily's burial. That was what Lily deserved...perfection.

Severus stared as the tombstone was engraved with magic. He then waited as the entire wizarding community it seemed said their final good-byes to James and Lily. Soon, it was just the Potters, the Evans, and James' friend Remus Lupin. His best friend and the Potter's former Secret Keeper, Sirius Black, was in Azkaban. James' other friend, Peter Pettigrew, was dead. Killed, by Sirius.

Severus hung back until everyone had left, and he was alone in the graveyard. He slowly walked over to the grave.

JAMES POTTER LILY POTTER

BORN 27 MARCH 1960 BORN 30 JANUARY 1960

DIED 30 OCTOBER 1981 DIED 30 OCTOBER 1981

_The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death_

Severus looked at the tombstone for a few minutes, and then turned to leave.

Lily was gone...and she wasn't coming back.

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**A/N: **This story is complete, I hope you liked it


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